10:51:18 PM

The Online Magazine FOR and ABOUT Southside Virginia

3/27/2023

Ask Bubba

Advice from Bubba's noggin'

Dear Bubba,

    I'm gonna have no furniture left in my house if you can't help me fast! My two lil'uns, Billy Bob and Billy Bob Jr. are climbin' on up anythin' and everythin.' The only thin' that big ole oak in the yard has been good fer is a switch, and even dat ain't makin' a big nuf impression! Why, jus yesterday them young'uns gone and broke the TV dinner tables! Lands sake, I can't even repeat what my hubby said! But he sho was upset as them was the good furniture!! Tell me, what's this poor woman to do?

  Signed,

Pulling Her Hair Out

Dear Pulling,

   First, Bubba ain't sure you are REALLY from Southside, cause as everybody from Southside knows a Fo'cythia makes the best switch. This is especially true when the switchee has to go cut they own switch for the switcher. The anticipation of the switchin' about to come, is often worser than the actual switchin'. Ask Bubba how he knows this. Bubba was young once too, ya know.

   But since it sounds like you are in a real per-dicky-mint, Bubba will do the best he kin to he'p you out anyway.

   You got to make an in-deli-bull impression on their young skulls right away before it is too late.

   Now, here is whatcha do. Since Bubba knows your hubby has got that 900 pound big screen TV for watchin' NASCAR and WWF (or whatever W-sumthin' they are calling it this year) Wrasslin' sittin on the TV tables, you got to use this to your advantage. Get a big old blanket or a tarp and flung it over the whole TV; tables and all. Then you tell the chill'ns it is a fort. When they play under it, and break it, it will knock some sense into their heads.

   Bubba is betting, they will only do this ONE TIME, before they get the message. And if that doesn't get it through their little noggins, then there is little hope and you are gonna have to resort to some redecorating. Go to the lumber yard or the home improvement store and get you some of those decorative concrete blocks and some stout planks. Then you make up an "entertainment center" out of the planks and blocks. It should be sturdy enuff to hold up that TV and keep the rug-rats from tearin' it up. But even if they DO tear it up, you are only out a buck-three-eighty, and your good TV tables will be safe.

Bubba

Special thanks to T.T. for this month's TV tables question. Bubba and Bubbette, really enjoyed your letter

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Dear Bubba,

   My in-laws are coming over for dinner next week and I need some help. The in-laws are the real snooty type. If it ain't fancy, then it ain't good enough for them. What with the big payment on the "rent-to-own" tires I just got for the truck, and all that, we are on a real tight budget. Can you give us some low-buck recipes that sound fancy?

  Signed,

Champagne in-laws & bucket-o-suds budget

Dear Bucket-o-suds,

   Bubba feels your pain. So you are in luck. Welcome to Bubba's kitchen.

   First thing you gotta know is that most high-falutin' folks don't really know sheetcake from shinola about REAL eats. So you just hafta make it LOOK and SOUND impressive. Anything you fix, if it is put on a fancy platter, and you give some kind of foreign sounding name to it will usually get past the inspection. And as an added bonus, most of that foreign quiz-een usually tastes terrible anyway, so they will think it really is something fancy. So break out the good paper plates, use some cupcake wrappers as plate doilies, and put little markers on the plates. You'll be the hit of the night.

   As for recipes, here are a couple of Bubba's favorites.

-== Appe-teaser ==-

"Blackened Vienna Pate`"

AKA Mashed Weenies

• 4 cans of Vienna sausage
• 1 tsp vinegar
• 1 tsp spoon black pepper
• 2-3 sprigs of hay (or something) for garnish

Mash the Viennas into a nasty looking paste.
Mix in vinegar and most of the pepper
Spoon onto a plate, sprinkle the top with remaining pepper, and top with the garnish.

Serve with saltines

Note - If Viennas are not in season, you can substitute beanie-weenies for the Viennas.
It will be so hot from all the pepper, that no one will actually EAT it, but it will make them think you are real hi-brow.

-== Main Dishes ==-

"Spiced pork shoulder and ham with pineapple chutney"

AKA SPAM (Yeah, read the can. That's what's in it)

• SPAM (as many cans as necessary to feed the horde)
• Crushed Pineapple (See above)
• Brown sugar

Score the SPAM crosswise
Sprinkle with brown sugar
Pour the crushed pineapple over the top and bake until hot.

Scrape the pineapple off SPAM and serve it on the side.

Since nobody really knows what chutney is, this should pass.
Just make sure you call it by its fancy name. Don't slip up.

"Vegetable Medley"

AKA - Zucchini Squash.

First get some zucchini.
If you have friends with gardens, this time of year all you gotta do is leave your car unlocked when you visit their house, and some will magically appear on your front seat.
If you are from Southside, you KNOW what to do with zucchini. Just remember to call it something French sounding.

-== Dessert. ==-

"Mixed Fruit ala Grande Lotte"

AKA - Dollar-store fruit cocktail from Big Lots

Put it in wine glasses and stick in some of those little umbrella things you got last time at the Chinese restaurant.

See - it is all about presentation.

Bone-Appetite,
Bubba

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That's all for this month.

If you have a question burnin' a hole in yer noggin, Bubba can help.

Just E-Mail Bubba
askbubba@discoversouthside.com 

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Disclaimer: Use of the Bogus advice above is probably foolish.

PLEASE, tell me you dear readers realize the above is an attempt at humor, and that we don't have to put in a disclaimer about common sense, child abuse, and home safety.