8:07:57 PM

The Online Magazine FOR and ABOUT Southside Virginia

7/9/2020

Ask Bubba

Advice from Bubba's noggin'

Dear Bubba,
   

   I am just about fed up with people (especially mens) using language and old phrases that put down women. Why just the other day I was talking to a man at the hardware store and he was explainin' about what size screws I needed for a project. Well, he was kinda talkin' down to me a bit anyhow, but when he said. "The rule of thumb" is to use one that is such and such a size." Well, I was fit to be tied.

   That old saying "The rule of thumb" comes from an old law where ya could beat your wife with a stick as long as it was no bigger than your thumb. I mean really!! How awful!

    So since you are such an enlightened soul, and respected by many, I was hopin' you could use the power of your column to get people to QUIT usin' such negative and demeanin' phrases.

  Signed,

Dolly

Dear Dolly,

   You asked for it. You got it.

    Well folks, the lady has a point. So Ol' Bubba is gonna use the power of this here E-Lec-tronic soapbox to try to right this here sitch-e-ation.

   I want to thank, and commend Dolly for bringing up the issue of politically correct phrases.

   In the same sentiment, I would like to see such phrases as "Mind your Ps and Qs" stricken from general use. This phrase has its roots in the old pubs when ale was served in Pints and Quarts. As a tea totaler, I resent the implication that I may be partaking of spirits. Likewise, if we have "an ace in the hole", or "up the ante" we hint that we are gambling. (Of course in Southside, with our reliance on plants, animals, and weather to make the farm payment, I guess we are gambling, at that.)

   I didn't wanna "open this can of worms" because as we all know, keeping worms in a can is cruel, and they should only be kept in properly ventilated boxes. (personally, I prefer to keep my worms as "free-range" worms.)

   Whilst we are on the subject of animal cruelty, there are a couple of other phrases that we oughta get rid of as well. "Buying a pig in a poke" is not only out-dated (when was the last time anyone you knew bought a pig in a sack?) but also hints at mistreatment of the animal. Also, the related "Letting the cat out of the bag" is just as bad. Imagine putting a cat in a sack, to trick a buyer into thinkin' you got a pig in there. Not only is this cruel to the cat, it is downright dishonest.

   I am currently the person in the position of bringing in cash from outside income to our farm. I resent terms like bread winner, bringing home the bacon, etc. From now on, I think those of us in this position, should be referred to as "OFFAL" Off Farm Financial Activity Liaison.

   As a last effort to bring a healthy atmosphere to our home environments, I am sure those of you who have persons under the age of the majority, (we used to call 'em children) may appreciate this. Can we PLEASE get rid of such awful nursery rhymes and chants as "Ring-Round-Rosie" (Small Pox and burning bodies) and "Rock-a-bye Baby" (Child neglect that resulted in injury) these are hideous and will certainly result in long term emotional damage to these young people. (Hey, look what they did to Bubba's psyche)

   You know this whole thing really "gets my Irish up." (OOPs, I bet I can't say that neither)

   Disclaimer: Opinions and statements made here are my own and nobody else's (unless you agree) and should in no way reflect on the other people at Discover Southside, anyone connected with it, Farmers, or just about anybody else. I also reserve the right to change my tune if it becomes uncomfortable or the winds shift.

   This was meant to be humorous. Any similarity to persons currently alive or in the state of non-livingness, is purely coincidental. No animals were harmed in any way in the writin' of this. (However a few brain cells were severely mistreated in the reading of it)

   Y'all have a nice day.

Bubba

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Dear Bubba,

   My niece (I'll call her Gas-sandra) is 14 years old and belches like a drunken sailor. She even trys to burp the alphabet sometimes.

   This drives me crazy. I think it is rude and disgusting, and she oughta be old enough to know better, but my husband says to pay it no never mind.

   What can I do to get her to stop this?

  Signed,

Auntie Polite in Gas-tonia

Dear Auntie Po-Lite,

   First, let's lay off on the drunken sailors, OK? I mean some of Bubba's best friends have been drunken sailors, and drunken Marines, and drunken cow-hands, and well, folks.

   Now, you say your gassy niece is 14 now? Lemme tell you sumthin'. Any day now she is gonna discover boys. At this age, some of those boys are gonna think that particular "talent" is purty funny. And she is gonna be the hit of that party. But, one day not too far down the road, them same boys are gonna grow up too and they will start shying away from Miz Burpsalot. About that time she will decide that maybe she might wanna loose that particular skill PDQ.

   So, unless she can make it past about "J" or "K" in which case I would be concerned about her runnin' off with the carnival, or she shows up with an anchor tattoo on her forearm and some enlistment papers, I think you can rest easy, that she will outgrow it.

   This burp is for you,

Bubba

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That's all for this month.

If you have a question burnin' a hole in yer noggin, Bubba can help.

Just E-Mail Bubba
askbubba@discoversouthside.com 

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Disclaimer: Use of the Bogus advice above is probably foolish.