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The Online Magazine FOR and ABOUT Southside Virginia

7/9/2020

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Jan '09 Contents

Jan '09 Cover
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Articles

Family in Six-Part Harmony
By Gert Slabach

Convergence Art Guild
(Grand Opening Show)
By Ed Wilborne

Meet the Brown Brothers
By Michael Ray

 

Columns

South Winds
(New & Improved)
By FCOIT

On The Funside
(A Christmas Miracle in Rocky Mount?)
By Amy Hanek

Southside Gardener
(Forcing Bulbs)
By William H. McCaleb

Ask Bubba - Advice
(Parody)
Bubba New Year


Departments

Editor's Page
(Sausage & Politics)

V & B Comics
(Verrnack & Blupirk - New Year)

Festivals & Events

Past Issues

Past Issues are available from June 2008 through the current issue.
Select the desired issue from the drop-down box below.

 

 


Ask Bubba


Jan 09 Bubba

 

Dear Bubba,

   I met this really nice guy a few years back and we lost contact. Recently we have been chatting again online, he wants to go out for a milkshake sometime. Whatcha think I should do??????

   It was suggested I ask for you advice.

   Thanks,

  Signed,

Don't use my real name,
he thinks I am Christy Brinkley,
Half way to Tenn

 

Dear CB,

   Is ya half way to Tennessee cause yer runnin', or onna counta you live there?

   First, anybuddy who suggested you get datin' advice from Bubba, may not have yer best interests at heart. 'Specially if it comes to some feller you met online.

   But since you asked. Bubba will give it a shot.

   Now meetin' someone online is a chancey thing. Folks ain't always what they seem. You do know that song "I am so much cooler online" don't ya? So he might look more like Bubba

than Brad Paisley.

   An of course there is the chance he is really a some dangerous cycle-path.

   But, since you did say you have known each other for a few years, you MIGHT be OK. A leopard print shirt don't usually changes its spots over that long a time. Iffin ya knows what Bubba means.

   Also it seems if he wants to meet ya out someplace, he probably ain't under house arrest. You did ask about the range on his tracking collar didn't ya?

   So if you have covered all these bases and are ready to take a chance, here are a couple safety tips.

   Meet on neutral turf. Someplace you can feel comfy. Go there early and make sure there is a backdoor and it ain't alarmed or anything. If necessary, have the cook staff show you the door they use to sneak out for a smoke.

   Once you have your safety exit all mapped out, sit somewhere you can keep a eye on the front door until he shows up. Then iffin he looks skeerey, you can slip out the back way.

   If he looks OK, and you stick around for the meeting, make sure he don't slip ya a mickey. You don't want to git shanghaied and wind up on some old pirate skow on the way to China duz ya. (OK, maybe Bubba reads too many adventure mystery novels, but you get the idea.) Here's how you do that. Either order one shake with two straws; or pretend to take a sip of yer milkshake and say, "Boy this is good, here try a taste." If he won't go for the bait, or tries to say he don't like chocolate, head for the hills. Cause, anybuddy what don't like chocolate ain't to be trusted.

   So if ya gots all yer ducks lined up and wanna take a chance. Go fer it. Ya never know, he might actually be what he seems and you have a good time. If nothing else you get a free milkshake outta the deal.

   Just make sure he don't stiff ya with the check.

   Be sure to let ol' Bubba know how you made out.

   Good luck,

Bubba

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Dear Bubba,

   I made me some of them New Years, whatcha call 'em? Revolutions.

   I swore I was gonna give up, smokin', drinkin' and chasin wild wimmen.

   Now I gone and put my foots in my mouth, an my wife thinks I should stuck to 'em.

   What am I gonna dew?

  Signed,

No wanna viva la Revolution
Quitsky, VA

 

Dear Viva,

   You swore you was goin' ta give up, smokin', drinkin' and chasin wild womens?

   The first question Bubba has gots to axe you is...

   WHY?

   The second question is; why in the wurld did ya tell anybuddy? 'specially yer wife. 'Cause ya know she is gonna make ya man-up and do it.

   But since ya done done it now, yer gonna hafta live with it.

   Here's whatcha do. Get ya some of that Beechy-nuts gum, a big jug o' water and a life prozerver.

   The gum'll help ya keep yer mind offa the smokes. The jug o' water will give ya something to sip on instead of the 'shine ya been drinkin'.

   And the life prozerver will keep ya afloat when you decide to jump offen the cotton-pickin' bridge from tryin' to give up all yer vises at once.

   Happy landings,

Bubba

 

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That's all for this month.

If you have a question burnin' a hole in yer noggin, Bubba can help.

Just E-Mail Bubba
askbubba@discoversouthside.com 

 

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Disclaimer: Use of the Bogus advice above is probably foolish.

  

 

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