Bats In My Belfry

Those of you who have read this column before know it usually attempts to be positive and inspirational. Failing that, the hope is to at least get you to ponder life for a few moments. Well, sometimes life just hands you material and all you can do is go with it.

For a morning chuckle - picture the following scenario -

BEFORE Coffee

It is early morning - I am headed from the hall to the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot.

As I walk into the dining room in the semi-dark - a flying object buzzes my head.

My ever so restrained - WHAT THE #@$%!* !?!?!?! resonates off the walls.

I appear to have a bat.

Now my goal is to get Mr. (or is it Ms?) Bat OUT of my house, ideally without hurting it or getting bitten in the process.

On my wall I have long-handled wicker basket, sized and shaped somewhere between a dipper and a squash racket. The PLAN - with this scoop and a rigid piece of cardboard is gently *scoop* the bat out of the air and trap it in the bowl of the basket, then top it with the cardboard until I can deliver it outside.

This sounds simple enough until you consider

A)  Bats are radar operated, and object *strongly* to being scooped
B)  I have not yet had coffee and am not functioning at the top of my game
C)  The best laid plans often go to hell in a handle basket [sic]

I will not make this a long narrative, but after a few trips through the house (in hot pursuit of bat ) including up and down stairs chasing Monsieur BAT while dodging ceiling fans etc. - my patience (and goodwill toward bats) was wearing mighty thin.

Back in the dining room, Le Bat lands on a curtain. I am poised to scoop when the little bugger decides there is something in the kitchen it must see.

Fortunately the kitchen door swings shut pretty well, so now the bat and yours truly are locked in mortal combat in the confines of a small-ish kitchen. By now my normally cheery disposition has gone the way of best laid plans as in "C)" above.

The idea of gently scooping the bat has also gone the same way.

BAT-TER UP!

I connect for an infield fly.

Ahhh that worked MUCH better.

Home team one - bat zero.

I am telling myself the bat (now somewhere in the front yard) is napping.

If he/she/it is still "sleeping" in the same location later, I will take appropriate action and relocate it somewhere over the cattle fence.

Murphy's law of attitude.

"Eat a live toad first thing in the morning nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day"

Pass the salt.

May you have a better than expected day.

-= FCOIT =-

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E-mail: fcoit@discoversouthside.com

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